I will say up front that this isn’t a fitness related post. Well, maybe mental/emotional fitness, so feel free to skip over if you’re not in the mood for my self-reflecting blather (thanks for the borrow BL).
I have always sung. My mother has cassette tapes of me singing at age 3 everything from I’m a Little Teapot to Diana Ross. Fast forward to grade school, where I sang all the chorus leads & did all the shows, then on to high school where I went to an elite prep school (yes boarding) so I could focus more on my musical studies. After I graduated I was accepted to study at a music program in Italy so off I went. Next on the list was college, where I was a Voice Performance major. I had a plan and I stuck to it.
However behind the scenes I was a mess. I had a dirty little secret called bulimia that started when I was 16. By the time I was in college I was non-functional and completely overtaken by my disease. I skipped classes to binge-n-purge, I couldn’t concentrate, my throat was always sore (doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know incessant vomiting is not good for the throat/voice) and I was spiraling into a major depression. When it was obvious that I could no longer be there and that I needed help, I withdrew from school telling myself it would only be for one semester. That one turned into two, two into three, three into four, etc, etc. My parents didn’t really understand the extent of my problem or what an “eating disorder” was so they just thought it would eventually go away. And since I didn’t really want to stop being bulimic anyway, I just played along. To keep busy I got a job at a famous health club that shall remain nameless and pretty soon I was full blown bulimarexic (never eating/holding down any meals, and only binging-n-purging). But my bulimia is not the focus of this post, my singing is. I stopped doing the one thing I loved most and was knowingly hurting my throat day after day.
What followed was years of self-abuse, on/off voice lessons & studies, and a lot of energy spent focusing on things I thought were important, but in retrospect were just distractions. I even went to live in Brazil to teach English to Executives and joined a rock band. I taught English M-Th and toured with the band Fri-Sun and it was pretty cool actually, until the bassist started having an affair with our manager, the guitarist’s stalker wife was scaring off our fans, the keyboard player got a groupie pregnant, and the drummer stopped showing up to rehearsals because he was God’s-gift-to-drumming. It wasn’t long before I was on a plane back to New York.
It took some time, but I got my shit together little by little (a mixture of therapy, meds & support from friends/family). Which eventually led to my going to nutrition school and becoming a personal trainer & fitness instructor to help others.
In 2001 I returned to my musical studies at the Mannes College of Music in New York. It was a dream come true to be singing again and finally making plans for my operatic career (oh yeah, did I mention my LOVE is for opera?) But I was still haunted by a voice teacher I had worked with years before that one day told me I would never be good enough to have a career. Some days I knew she was just bitter about her own career, but other days I wasn’t so sure and doubted myself…what if she was right?
In 2004 I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. And although I sang opera to her during my entire pregnancy, I decided that it was time to give up my operatic dreams and make room for nursery rhymes. After she was born I stopped singing completely.
This past January I had to go to Berlin for work. While there, a friend invited me to the Deutsche Staatsoper to see the Marriage of Figaro. I was so excited, I hadn’t seen Figaro in so long, and I adore anything Mozart. Suffice it to say that I was completely overcome with emotion, not only was the production wonderful, but it stirred in me what I had been supressing for so long, my love of singing. I knew at that moment that I had to sing again. (cue the cheesy music)
I have since been studying with a renowned voice teacher in Boston, making extraordinary progress. I say that not in a conceited way, but I am literally doing things with my voice I never thought possible. Maybe it was the break from singing? the pregnancy? who knows. But the voice that is there now is that of a mature woman that can sing opera.
Today I was offered a paid singing gig in an opera production. It’s not a lead, its the 1st soprano of a small ensemble of 4, but I don’t care what it is. Someone wants to pay me to sing in an opera! Hot damn! Who knows where this road will lead, for now I am just going to enjoy the journey. If I decide to go for it, I know it won’t be easy…but nothing worthwhile ever is right?
I’m finally on my way.
