There are a lot of different motives for exercise. Some people exercise to stay heart healthy, some to lose weight, some to gain weight and some to see their veins pop out of their arms when they scratch their forehead. I fall in between the heart healthy ones and the ones trying to make their shoulders look like a giant pair of misplaced biceps. I like to lift heavy things and I like to play racquetball as much as possible against younger kids who destroy me by ten or more points. Either way, it’s a good workout.

While everyone has different motives for exercise, they also have different ways to prepare themselves for exercise. While I prefer stretching and fifteen minutes of cardio to get the blood pumping, that doesn’t work for everyone. Smoothie shakes, fresh fruit, granola bars soon escalate to power energy bars, caffeine loaded drinks and finally powdered mixes with long lists of warnings and enough caffeine in them to power a compact car for a couple days. And not one of those electric ones, but one of the older Cavaliers or something similar. Maybe a Volkswagen Thing. The point is, and this may be my unofficial not scientifically supported opinion, that shit is dangerous. For example, this is the warning on a pouch of [brand redacted so I don't get sued for slander]; “DO NOT EXCEED RECOMMENDED DOSAGE. EVER.”

Mind the “ever” part. That’s quite important. One serving contains the equivalent of 1 1/2 cups of coffee. Sure, that’s not too much. But we sip coffee, not chug it right before a workout. Not to mention all the other fun stuff listed as ingredients on the bag. None of which have any value as far as vitamins or actual nutrition are concerned. Instead, it’s full of guanosine, Creatine and a bunch of other stuff that sounds like a biologist got together with a chemist and started making up words. I just don’t trust it. But a lot of people do, they see all the exciting stuff on the front of the bag, all those big words that must mean the product is awesome. Right? Frankly, it reads like a used car advertisement sounds.

For instance (words moved around to again avoid slander):

“Pre-workout Psychoactive matrix ignites white-hot intensity and explosive strength*”

The asterisk is to indicate reference to a small phrase on the back of the package which states that the statement has not been evaluated by the FDA. But hey, your pre-workout matrix will totally be psychoactive. What exactly does that mean? It means that all the caffeine in there will chemically mess with your brain so that you feel like you can lift anything. Because caffeine is the most widely used psychoactive drug in the world. Behind that? Opiates, cocaine, anti-depressants and of course LSD. This package claims to have a whole matrix of psychoactive. Is that the kind of workout some people are looking for? The psychoactive one? Sounds abnormally violent.

Of course it’s all marketing. Hence the comparison to the used car advertisement. Not to come down too hard on the general audience for these products, but most of them don’t know what half of the words on the packaging mean. Hell, even I had to look some of the phrases on these packets up to be sure. Vaso-Muscular? Just a fancy way of saying blood vessels in muscles. Yes, last I checked they were there. However, if you add caffeine to them, they restrict. What’s that? There is also nitric oxide in the mix?

Well, that opens up blood vessels. So let me see if I’ve got this math right. Caffeine + nitric oxide = right back where you started but with a giant caffeine buzz.

Perhaps that’s what some people are looking for, that mega jolt to get them super pumped – to the maxx – before they go into the gym. I can see that. I commute for an hour to and from work, I’m worn out by the time I get to the gym. I could use a boost; usually it comes from a protein bar an hour before and a can of diet Mountain Dew. At least I don’t have to worry about liver damage and the other multitude of side effects from the pre-workout supplements. Putting any amount of chemicals in your body – including caffeine – puts extra stress on your liver. I drink my 80 ounces of water a day, but if you are taking those things, you better chug down no less than 100 ounces.

So then you are suddenly carrying some extra water weight, which can be mistaken for muscle gains on a scale. To be sure I wasn’t off base with this, I asked one of the many personal trainers that I know who informed me that creatine (a major ingredient in most pre-workout supplements) creates nothing but water weight. She also added that fat burner pills simply dehydrate you and are nothing more than a scam. If you saw her and how she’s sculpted her body through natural remedies such as eating healthy and exercise, you’d believe her too.

Anyone reading this blog probably already knows all this, mostly I just wanted to crack jokes about the outlandish claims on all these pre-workout supplements. So here’s another one that I found amusing:

“The most advanced intra-workout muscle growth amplifier in the world.”

Intra-workout means during the workout. Muscle growth amplifier means that while you are lifting weights, already amplifying your muscles, this stuff will further amplify that growth – with water weight. Oh, it doesn’t say that does it? Imagine if apples or bananas were advertised this way? It would be hard to keep them on the shelves and they could jack the prices up ten-fold.

“Apples – scientifically proven to enhance your intra-workout muscle amplification to the maxx with mega Amino acids! To the Maxx!”

Curtis Silver is a core contributor to Wired’s GeekDad blog, a founder of the daddy blog Everyotherthursday.com, a contributor at Shamable.com and trolling the internets on his blog. Follow on Twitter @cebsilver for regular cynicism and “them jokes.”