There’s something on your mind that you have to say, but don’t know how. You don’t know how the other person will react, and you certainly don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Then there’s the peanut gallery, what will they think? What will they say? Maybe you should hold off for just a little bit longer. It’s not that bad. Why rock the boat, right?
I’ve been there. Many times. My stomach always gets all knotted and I feel tense all over. I know what needs to be said, but gosh darn it, I really don’t want to.
The problem is, that no amount of not wanting to or ignoring it will make it go away. It sits there, in the pit of your stomach, slowly eating away, until it either manifests as dis-ease in your body/mind/spirit or you finally suck it up and do something about it.
Easier said than done, I know.
However, you and I both know what needs to be done. No matter which way you slice it, dice it, julienne it or puree it, the conversation needs to be had. Recently, I had to have one of these conversations and it was awful. I knew I had to have this conversation a few years ago (yes, YEARS!), but came up with every reason in the book why not to: It’s not the right time, I’m being selfish, Things will get better, I don’t want to hurt their feelings, What will everyone think, I’m a horrible person, I should try harder to fix this, etc, etc… It was a never ending dialogue in my head that I used all the time to talk myself out of having the conversation. Sound familiar?
It finally got to the point where I couldn’t hold it in any longer. The conversation was had and yes, it totally sucked. But now I feel relieved and I feel hope. Had I continued to keep it inside, it would have slowly killed me. Maybe not in the literal sense, but something happens inside when you don’t speak and live your truth. All the love and all the goodness, eventually withers away.
Having the conversation
Clearly, I am by no means an expert in this department, as shown by my waiting years to speak up about something. But having just gone through it, I can share my process/thoughts and how I was able to finally say what needed to be said, so that hopefully, if need be, you can have your conversation too.
1.Listen to your inner voice - We all have one. It’s your gut instinct, its that feeling inside that either makes you feel really at ease or screams “DANGER!!!” A friend recently said she didn’t think she had an inner voice and that only crazy people hear ‘voices.’ So I asked her about a guy she had been dating and why she stopped seeing him so abruptly. “On our 4th date he got all weird. We were at a party and he pulled me by my arm really hard, while I was talking to the host. Something about the way he did that and looked at me didn’t feel right. It scared me.” Right, I said. And THAT feeling is your inner voice. If your inner voice is signaling, listen. My inner voice started whispering about this particular situation back in 2006. Had I listened to it back then, I could have avoided the dis-ease that built up the last five years. Does a situation seem off? Someone giving you a weird vibe? Are you tense in your belly about something? Listen to these signals or red flags, as my best friend calls them. Don’t wait until the entire Color Guard Team is all up in your face poking you in the eye. ( I do think it’s worth noting though, that it’s never too late to listen to that inner voice, speak up or make a change.)
2.Accept that you will upset someone and/or hurt their feelings - I’ve heard it said that, as long as you don’t hurt yourself or someone else, then you’re making the right decision. Well, yes and no. If I were deciding about whether or not to throw knives for fun at a party, with zero experience, then yes that would apply. If my daughter were at a playground playing with a playmate and another little girl asked to join in, I’d expect her to not hurt her feelings and say yes. But, when it comes to hard conversations, no, it doesn’t apply, otherwise the conversation wouldn’t be called hard. Yes, they are yucky to have, but you can’t not speak your truth for fear of hurting someone’s feelings. You’re also not doing them any favors by not being honest. I have to say, this is probably the number one reason why I didn’t speak up, and I can honestly say it was a big mistake. This part is inevitable, but you are having this conversation for a reason, remember that. As Martha Beck has said, “A little pain never hurt anybody.”
3.People will hate & judge - Yep, they surely will and they will tell you what they think whether you like it or not. They might give you dirty looks, call you names, talk about you behind your back, send you nasty emails/tweets/facebook messages, etc. But hey, what are you going to do? It’s your life, not theirs. You only have this one life to live (reincarnation aside, if you believe in that) and you can’t live it to please others. Well, you can, but then you’re not really living. The hate and the judgment will sting, be upsetting and embarrassing, but it will all eventually pass. And once you get to the other side, it will have been so worth it, because you spoke authentically for yourself. You’ll also have found out who you can count on in tough times and who your true supporters are. Always remember that the strongest and loudest voice in your life, should be your own.
4.Have no regrets & trust - Despite it taking me 5 years to say what I needed to say, I will never regret that time. The choice was mine and in those five years some pretty amazing things have happened, I’ve met extraordinary people and have learned tons. There’s no point in looking back with all the ‘woulda, coulda, shouldas.’ The time is now and we can only move forward. Trust the process and trust yourself. Choose happiness.
5.Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. And then, breathe some more.
Bottom line is, hard conversation suck. Big time. But, if I can do it after holding my tongue for 5 years, then so can you. Have the conversation, speak your truth and put your soul at ease.
Is there a conversation you’re not having? Have you had to have a tough conversation? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
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