The You’re an Idiot Diet
August 29, 2008 by Fitarella
Filed under guest posts
Guest post by Charlotte, one of my favorite blog writers. I absolutely love everything she writes -she is honest, funny, and thought provoking all at the same time. A definite MUST read.
What, you haven’t heard of it? You’re guaranteed to lose weight – a lot of it even, and very quickly. It’s officially called “Master Cleanse” but I like Gunnar Peterson’s (personal trainer to the stars, but not for long if he keeps blabbing to the media like this – not that I’m complaining) title much better.
For those of you uninitiated, you make a scary concoction out of maple syrup, cayenne pepper and lemons. You drink it. And that’s it. You eat no food. See? Easy-peasy! I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this. Oh…wait, food is necessary for life. Yup, you’d have to be an idiot.
Diet Like A Rockstar
If you are not content with partying like a rockstar, or for those of us who live in the burbs, wearing ironic t-shirts like a rockstar, now you can diet like a rockstar! Or a movie star. Or just a really hot hanger-oner. Suh-weet!
The Daily Mail has a feature on “diet secrets of the stars” that for once doesn’t involve a lot of lying about poodle-walking & pilates. All in all, I can believe that this truly is the key to all those amazing physiques coupled with sallow skin and junkie stares.
How To Become Anorexic and/or An Addict
If you follow all these “star diet” rules, then you will definitely become both. Dream big, I always say.
1. Take Drugs. Oh sure, cocaine and heroin are awesome for weight loss (and brain loss but whatevs – who needs that nonsense?) but all the cool kids are going prescription these days. Adderall (ADD medication), Clenbuterol (asthma inhaler – for HORSES), and of course prescription diet pills and steroids. Can’t find a doctor to prescribe it for you? No problem, that’s what the Internet’s for.
2. Go on Food Jags. One unnamed actress ate only 3 hardboiled eggs a day while shooting Cold Mountain (which narrows – hee! – it down to Renee-I’m-naturally-this-bony-and-puffy-cheeked Zellweger or Nicole-I’m-naturally-this-expressionless Kidman. My money’s on Renee.)
3. Take/Drink Laxatives. Because poop weighs, like, soooo much. And having a working anal sphincter is overrated anyhow.
4. Try a Legal Addictive Substance. Don’t have enough chemicals in your body? Go the old fashioned route and swill caffeine (in any of it’s varieties) and smoke cigs to keep those pesky food cravings at bay.
5. Gymorexia. It’s the new bulimia – and so much easier on your teeth! Your knees, not so much. But who needs ‘em?
6. Starve. If all else fails, just don’t eat. Pretty simple, really. Can’t get fat if you don’t eat. Can’t live either. But better to be dead than fat, right? (In case you think I’m kidding head over to the Weighting Game and read all the comments on Leslie’s post about fat people on public transportation.
You Can Never Be Too Rich or Too Thin
Since most of us will never be rich, we’d better focus all our efforts on thin if we want to be anything in this society. Marcia Cross, of Desperate Housewives (a.k.a. the show that made all housewives desperate to look like Eva Longoria), summed it up thusly: “Not eating is a constant struggle. It’s like they pay me not to eat. It’s a living hell.”
I hear hell is nice this time of year.
You ARE stronger than you think you are, you CAN do more than you think you can!!! Make today count!
can we change it to you can never be too rich too thin or too tired?
can we make the last one HIPCOOLANDIN?
can we make toddler induced bags under eyes in fashion?
if ANYONE can CHARLOTTE can!
This was an awesome post! I agree 136% about everything written. As women, we measure ourselves to these unrealistic ideals of what we’re supposed to look like. But getting there is soooo unhealthy, especially the celeb way. Thanks for sharing your humor!!
I’d never heard/read that quote from Marcia Cross before, wow. That pretty much sums it up…and to think that so many women and young girls feel the need to “live up” to that.
[Shakes head.]
Great post! I love the sarcasm!
What a great post. I agree whole heartedly!! HAHA Thanks for this! Danielle, http://www.zenfitchick.com
i love the “star diets” articles in magazines. i read maraih carey does the “morsel diet”. you can have anything you want, as long as its just one tiny morsel of it.
seriously.
and the magazine was touting it as something that works.
i hate them, yet i continue to read them…
http://www.groundedfitness.com
Sorry, still trying to figure out where I can get my wife that dress and those shoes. What were you saying?
Great post. Did Gunnar Peterson suggest a certain brand of maple syrup perchance?
These are terrible ways to try and look attractive. Me? I just go see my plastic surgeon every other week for a quick weight reduction. Much healthier.
Personally, I go for the 6 beer diet.
After I give a man 6 beers, he suddenly realizes that I am incredibly attractive just as I am.
Hey, it makes as much sense as the maple-syrup-and-cayenne-pepper diet.
Plus I’ve gotten very popular lately
A forgotten fact: actors and reality stars and sisters/brothers of celebrities are usually thought of as whiny idiots until they get famous – then suddenly they’re a role model and everyone wants their advice and opinion. I spent years in LA and the spiritual suck of the place is relentless. Actors/actresses and the lot should never be looked to for advice….never.
This is so funny but at the same time, so depressing because of all the foolish people out there that fall for this stuff all the time!
Great guest post! Actually, there’ve been a lot of great posts here and at all my favorite blogs while I’ve been gone; it’s going to take forever to catch up.
WHOAH. Wait a minute? You mean your ribs showing through your chest walls isn’t sexy? And when you take a deep breath in… seeing your actual heart beat is not attractive??
Hmm?
This is an aweosme post. So true! U guess I’m lucky because my husband thinks all actresses in Desperate Housewives are way too skinny. But secretly I, too, want to look like Eva Longoria.