Eeew! Like a girl!

We had seen each other at Starbucks a few times. He was extremely handsome. I had a ritual of getting a latte before work, at a hot new Latin fusion restaurant next door. We had exchanged glances and smiled, but that was it. Twenty minutes later I was always out the door without a word.

A few nights after our last encounter the restaurant was packed. It was a new hot spot in New York City, so we got all of  the celebrities and wanna-be celebrities. Our bar was THE place to be seen. Ohhh did I have a lot of fun at that job. I usually slept all day and was then up all night. It worked well with my ED lifestyle.

That night the mystery man came in with a friend. He stood at the bar smiling until he had my attention.  I could see he was unsure about approaching me. But I was ready. After the sun went down I became the social butterfly, always fearless and friendly. So I walked up to him, introduced myself and from that night on we were together (together as in dating, that is). It all happened really, really fast.

Oddly by our third week together we still hadn’t gotten past 2nd base. Ok, well maybe it’s not odd, maybe normal people take their time, but to me it was odd. Why didn’t he want me? Why didn’t he think I was sexy? Was there something wrong with me?

I’m sure that these are normal questions that women ask themselves, but when you’re a severely eating disordered individual, thoughts like these take on a whole new meaning and worth. “I” took on a whole new meaning and worth. Which usually to me, meant “you are not good enough.”

At this point, I’d just like to clarify that everything that I write here is purely my own reflection of myself and MY past. I mean no judgment of anyone else that has or is suffering from an eating disorder. I can only talk from my own personal experience and the craziness that was my life. And yes, I call it crazy, because that’s the adjective that “I” choose. It’s still hard for me to believe that I was that person. Some of it makes me laugh in a very odd way, and some of it makes me cry.

Anyway, one night we had made plans to go to a new sushi restaurant. A few pieces of sushi was ok, but I knew we were going back to his apartment afterward, so I had planned to indulge myself in as many rolls as I wanted to and then purge at his apartment after (unbeknownst to him of course). The restaurant was only two blocks from his apartment so the time from eating to the actual purge would be minimal, or so I thought. I had already planned which bathroom I would use and how I would orchestrate it so he wouldn’t hear anything. He lived in a beautiful 3 floor duplex that had 3 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. The master bedroom was on the top floor so my plan was to use the guest bathroom on the first. We would get back to the apartment and I would tuck him in watching TV while I snuck downstairs. The man never pushed past 2nd base, so why would tonight be any different?

Well, you know what’s coming right? Ugh. Yes, he pushed. Tonight was the night he decided we should go all the way. WHAT?! In my head I was seriously freaking out. This couldn’t be happening. I needed to get all of this food out of me and he was ruining my plan. The more time that passed, the less food I was going to be able to throw up. So I thought about it quickly and decided to just do it with him, the sooner it would be over the faster I could get down to the bathroom. Part of me was also curious, we had been together every day for three weeks, so I was dying to know what sex would be like. Just do it quick, and get it over with, you can enjoy it next time I thought.

It started with the usual heavy petting that turns hot and heavy, and then really, really hot and heavy. I finally allowed myself to get all in to it. I can do this, I thought. Kissing, fondling and naked, I felt him inside of me. And then it happened. What? Did I hear that right? Again it happened. Then again!

What the fuck?! I thought. It can’t be. HE can’t be! Ughhhhhh, yes, YES, ACK!! He was squealing, and moaning LIKE A GIRL!!! I mean REALLY moaning like a girl, in a high pitched screech that totally grossed me out. Did he not hear himself? It was a total disaster. And all I wanted to do was get to the bathroom to throw up my sushi. I began to feel nauseous and I could feel my blood pressure rising. I was stuck underneath this oh-so-handsome man that was squealing like a little girl. I had a crap load of food in my stomach that was swishing around and I wanted to scream “you sound like a fucking pussy!”

But I didn’t do that. I laid there allowing myself to feel sicker and sicker, knowing I was never going to be able to get to the bathroom. My head began spinning, the squealing was getting louder and my stomach just turned and turned. You ok? He panted. I could feel the sweat run down the side of my head. I was overheated. I stared into his eyes trying to focus, but it was too late, everything was spinning. It was too late.

I opened my mouth to answer and all I could do was laugh, and laugh and laugh. “A squealer!” I yelled! And with no effort at all, all at once, my relief came.

He and the bed were covered in undigested sushi.

“Yes” I said. “Yes, I think I’m ok now. I definitely feel much, much better now.”

Like I said, my crazy life.



*Questions or comments? Feel free to email me at Jacqueline@Fitarella.com