While everyone has different motives for exercise, they also have different ways to prepare themselves for exercise. While I prefer stretching and fifteen minutes of cardio to get the blood pumping, that doesn’t work for everyone. Smoothie shakes, fresh fruit, granola bars soon escalate to power energy bars, caffeine loaded drinks and finally powdered mixes with long lists of warnings and enough caffeine in them to power a compact car for a couple days. And not one of those electric ones, but one of the older Cavaliers or something similar. Maybe a Volkswagen Thing. The point is, and this may be my unofficial not scientifically supported opinion, that shit is dangerous. For example, this is the warning on a pouch of [brand redacted so I don't get sued for slander]; “DO NOT EXCEED RECOMMENDED DOSAGE. EVER.”

Mind the “ever” part. That’s quite important. One serving contains the equivalent of 1 1/2 cups of coffee. Sure, that’s not too much. But we sip coffee, not chug it right before a workout. Not to mention all the other fun stuff listed as ingredients on the bag. None of which have any value as far as vitamins or actual nutrition are concerned. Instead, it’s full of guanosine, Creatine and a bunch of other stuff that sounds like a biologist got together with a chemist and started making up words. I just don’t trust it. But a lot of people do, they see all the exciting stuff on the front of the bag, all those big words that must mean the product is awesome. Right? Frankly, it reads like a used car advertisement sounds.

For instance (words moved around to again avoid slander):

“Pre-workout Psychoactive matrix ignites white-hot intensity and explosive strength*”

The asterisk is to indicate reference to a small phrase on the back of the package which states that the statement has not been evaluated by the FDA. But hey, your pre-workout matrix will totally be psychoactive. What exactly does that mean? It means that all the caffeine in there will chemically mess with your brain so that you feel like you can lift anything. Because caffeine is the most widely used psychoactive drug in the world. Behind that? Opiates, cocaine, anti-depressants and of course LSD. This package claims to have a whole matrix of psychoactive. Is that the kind of workout some people are looking for? The psychoactive one? Sounds abnormally violent.

Of course it’s all marketing. Hence the comparison to the used car advertisement. Not to come down too hard on the general audience for these products, but most of them don’t know what half of the words on the packaging mean. Hell, even I had to look some of the phrases on these packets up to be sure. Vaso-Muscular? Just a fancy way of saying blood vessels in muscles. Yes, last I checked they were there. However, if you add caffeine to them, they restrict. What’s that? There is also nitric oxide in the mix?

Well, that opens up blood vessels. So let me see if I’ve got this math right. Caffeine + nitric oxide = right back where you started but with a giant caffeine buzz.

Perhaps that’s what some people are looking for, that mega jolt to get them super pumped – to the maxx – before they go into the gym. I can see that. I commute for an hour to and from work, I’m worn out by the time I get to the gym. I could use a boost; usually it comes from a protein bar an hour before and a can of diet Mountain Dew. At least I don’t have to worry about liver damage and the other multitude of side effects from the pre-workout supplements. Putting any amount of chemicals in your body – including caffeine – puts extra stress on your liver. I drink my 80 ounces of water a day, but if you are taking those things, you better chug down no less than 100 ounces.

So then you are suddenly carrying some extra water weight, which can be mistaken for muscle gains on a scale. To be sure I wasn’t off base with this, I asked one of the many personal trainers that I know who informed me that creatine (a major ingredient in most pre-workout supplements) creates nothing but water weight. She also added that fat burner pills simply dehydrate you and are nothing more than a scam. If you saw her and how she’s sculpted her body through natural remedies such as eating healthy and exercise, you’d believe her too.

Anyone reading this blog probably already knows all this, mostly I just wanted to crack jokes about the outlandish claims on all these pre-workout supplements. So here’s another one that I found amusing:

“The most advanced intra-workout muscle growth amplifier in the world.”

Intra-workout means during the workout. Muscle growth amplifier means that while you are lifting weights, already amplifying your muscles, this stuff will further amplify that growth – with water weight. Oh, it doesn’t say that does it? Imagine if apples or bananas were advertised this way? It would be hard to keep them on the shelves and they could jack the prices up ten-fold.

“Apples – scientifically proven to enhance your intra-workout muscle amplification to the maxx with mega Amino acids! To the Maxx!”

Curtis Silver is a core contributor to Wired’s GeekDad blog, a founder of the daddy blog Everyotherthursday.com, a contributor at Shamable.com and trolling the internets on his blog. Follow on Twitter @cebsilver for regular cynicism and “them jokes.”

Miz Boobless McGee (her name, not mine)

What would motivate a 32-year-old woman to diet like an ascetic for 12 weeks, pedal more miles on a stationary bike than Lance Armstrong, faux tan herself a dark orangey-brown, glue on a string bikini with nail glue, and parade in front of 1,000 strangers? The answer, frighteningly, is herself.

I started lifting weights in 1991 when the movie “Terminator 2″ was released. I had never seen anything like Linda Hamilton’s arms in that film. They were buff and strong and yet decidedly feminine. I wanted those arms.

Flash forward 10 years, and my enthusiasm had begun to wane. I still went to the gym regularly, but I found myself working harder at striking up conversations than hoisting the weights.

I needed a new goal. A new source of inspiration. And then I saw “it” as I flipped through a fitness magazine: bodybuilding. I would enter a bodybuilding competition. It seemed like fate that there would be a competition in San Antonio eight weeks later. Although the event name terrified me (The Texas House of Pain), I was ready to try anything.

The look of a bodybuilder

First I needed to purchase a posing suit for the competition. This suit, not unlike a string bikini, is made of minimal fabric to best display the body. This suit is not sold in stores and must be purchased either online or via catalog.

Next, I needed to muddle through the vast array of self-tanners to find one that would turn me some shade in the brown family. Yes, there is actually a reason and a necessity behind the fact that bodybuilders often parade around in an orangey color not found in nature. When you are “tan” your muscles look bigger.

Lastly, I needed to decide upon 60 seconds worth of music and choreograph a posing routine. While devising a routine out of the six mandatory poses sounds fairly simple, it isn’t. The audience that attends the evening show pays upward of $20 a ticket and expects to be entertained. I learned quickly, after attending bodybuilding shows, that while the most muscular women may win the judges’ approval, those who can perform an erotic dance, minus the brass pole, gain the audience’s attention.

Rules and more rules

The competition weekend began with a competitor weigh-in at a hotel. This weigh-in room was teeming with the fittest people I had ever seen. And their fit friends and family. Then I saw a doctor’s scale in the front of the room facing all of the folding chairs.

“Open-class women come forward to be weighed,” the man at the front of the room called out over the crowd’s loud murmurings.

Six of the largest women imaginable strode confidently to the front of the room and peeled off their clothes. They all stood, both patiently and with muscles flexed, waiting to be weighed. They were tanned and they were ripped. And they were thankfully not the women I’d be competing against.

“Novice women come front to be weighed.”

I took one last look at my husband and walked to the front of the room.

I pulled my linen dress over my head and jumped on the scale. Barely giving the weights time to register, I hopped off.

“Uh, you need to glue your suit down tomorrow,” a man said.

I looked down at myself and voila, my suit had shifted.

Alas, I didn’t have too much time to worry about revealing myself to the judges. I was suddenly pushed to a corner where they shoved all new competitors who had made some sort of grave error.

“You will not wear that suit tomorrow,” a large man said. “It is velour and no velour allowed during the morning show.”

With that he propelled me toward an enormously muscular woman who presented me with a lime green posing suit and said, “60 dollars.” She then paused, looked down at me and said, “This won’t fit you. Maybe you could try Victoria’s Secret in the mall?”

“I’ll take that suit,” I said.

After all of my preparation, I would rather look as though I had a lumpy, bumpy behind than not compete.

Then my savior appeared. To this day I have no idea who she was, but to her I shall be eternally grateful (and 60 dollars richer).

This woman dragged me up to the competition promoter and commanded me to take off my dress.

“She didn’t know” the women explained. “She only brought the (pause) velour.”

“Fine. She can wear it.” The promoter said.

Tanned and glued

Very few hours of sleep and many practice poses in my hotel room mirror later, it was time for the morning show.

As I looked around the auditorium, it was evident that most of us hadn’t slept. Perhaps we had all risen too early to apply fake tanner. (I myself had successfully tanned most of the towels, the sheets, the toilet seat and half of the sink. My apologies to the hotel staff.)

I was excited to be there and, amazed at the way that I looked. I was stunned when I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw.

I waited with our other women in the novice class until it was our turn to go onstage.

“Did you glue your suit down?” one woman asked me.

Before I could answer she whipped out a tube of the glue.

“Pull down the top of your suit” she instructed.

I felt an intense burning sensation as the glue hit my flesh.

“Press the suit down. Now!!”

I pressed the cloth against my skin for a moment. Then I gently tugged at the fabric. She was right. That cloth was going nowhere.

It was finally our turn, and we all filed onstage. We did four turns so that the judges could view us from all angles and then performed all of the mandatory poses.

After relatively few minutes, we were told to file off stage. It was noon. We were free to go until 6 p.m. that night.

I’m a winner

Returning that evening everyone looked frayed and exhausted. The end was in sight, though. After weeks of dieting we had a few more hours to endure and then we could feast on our favorite foods. And then it was time. We all filed up the stairs to the stage once and got ready to do our routines. “And next from Austin, Texas, is Carla Birnberg,” emcee Lonnie Teper announced.

Not realizing that the emcee could see past the curtains, I threw my arms up in the air and pretended to scream and cheer for myself.

“Carla’s a little excited!” Lonnie said to the crowd.

The music started and I walked out on to the stage. I posed, and I flexed, and I remembered all the important things like “keeping my stomach tight.”

I finished and as I waved and ran off stage, I heard the emcee say “Well Carla is having a great time!” And with that I had won. I had reached my goal of achieving the look that I wanted. I had enjoyed both the process of getting to the competition and the experience of being there. I had done it.

The judges weren’t as excited with either my achievement or my experience. According to their calculations I came in last.

What do they know though? They just couldn’t see what is reflected back to me in my mirror.